101. Relationship With The Father Does Not Come At Once As Is Also Witnessed By The Experience Of My Apostle

It is hard for you to believe my words, but for many years my words have been already testified to you by my present apostle who prior to the establishment of his current relationship with the Father, also experienced much fear and anxiety, a desire to achieve material heights, pain of betrayal, the turning away of his friends, and his total isolation from the environment and the family. And it was only after he had discovered the Father within himself, after he had been born of the spirit, that all the negative features of his character that had been tormenting him from within, were wiped off as if by somebody’s invisible hand, so that his soul would be able to see through a marvelously clean window-glass such a colorful and beautiful picture of creation, with your planet as being just a tiny poppy seed in it. It became so little to him and so beautifully loved by him that no room remained within him for dark and destructive emotions of fear and anger to be spread out; and instead, love, truth, and light of the Father discovered within him were shining to him and warming him. And he experienced all this, thanks to his efforts, thanks to his sincere desire to share his knowledge and light with others, even though he had not had any other teacher who might have explained to him how to take a little daily step, a definite step.
He trusted the great teachers who taught with light that was too bright for him, therefore lighting up everything too brightly. But in his daily and ordinary search for the direction of the path to God, to man, he had to stray by himself. He was reading many nice and truthful books but he personally needed a simple and understandable word of how to feel God’s love within himself, how to love God and man, even though he had read about it a lot. However, these sources did not point out definite steps as to what he needed to do that these wonderful assertions – one’s love for God and one’s love for man – might be felt, might be really experienced.   

Thus, he strayed within himself, held deep monologues with himself, experienced pain and anguish within himself due to an abundant manifestation of force and materialism around him, even at the expense of curbing the free will of others, which posed ever new questions to which the answers presented in these written sources, even though very deep and full of light, did not turn into his own experience, therefore they were only dry theoretical teachings. And his trepidation lasted every day for many a year. But at some moments he would notice that a certain intangible peace would come in as he, being alone and staying with his eyes closed, would make an attempt to envision himself merging with some, inconceivable to him, Force in all cosmos. And this inconceivable merging with something which was beyond his comprehension in any definite form, in any definite state but only as vastness of cosmos in which there must be present a certain Superior Force, would give him a real experience of peace and satisfaction within himself that would last just for several minutes. And then again he would get back to his difficult environment. After one year of such meditations providing him moments of peace, he little by little, in the evening just before falling asleep, began to thank the Father and me for the day he had lived through. He started to thank a person without attempting to merge with the universe of space. Still later his gratitude to the Father and me began to acquire an expression of the desires of his higher self, of his soul; and this expression was tinged with sincerity but lacked faith. He was doing it as if being unable to understand himself, why he was doing it or how to do it, and whether it had to be done at all. His mind was watching it, as if from without, that something within him wanted to express certain bright aspirations to God in words. 
And these aspirations were simple. Such as; that all people would be healthy and would enjoy a deeper mutual understanding, that he would be able to understand himself. His thoughts were similar to an expression of separate rather than interrelated desires which were devoted to God. He did not perceive, even himself, that it was exactly this sort of path that was meant for each mortal: To establish a sincere monologue with the Father or with me.  

Man cannot hear the Father’s voice at once which is speaking inaudibly to each of you all the time. The beginning is always from a monologue of the mortal, from an incoherent, completely disorderly expression of one’s thoughts, that even the mortal himself hardly understands what he is doing at that moment, and how he is doing it, since the mortal’s mind has not been accustomed to these things which had not been clarified by anyone. Meanwhile the superior mind of the soul that does not yet have so much power over the lower human mind to suppress it altogether that it would not meddle in at all and, by this, would not disrupt the breakthrough of the thoughts which the lips of the mortal utter and which belong to the soul that is coming into existence.  

It is for this purpose that my teachings are meant; that you would understand ever more that it is your true self, your personality bestowed by the Father that must break through the shell of your earthly and human selfish mind to be able to talk live and meaningfully with the Father, and even to serve Him and the whole of creation, while doing good deeds every day without expecting any material or any other reward that so attracts the lower and selfish human ego.

And to my would-be apostle those unclear thoughts, those weak aspirations of his soul started gradually transforming into adequate thoughts which were acquiring an ever deeper meaning. Little by little he began to realize that these thoughts laid some responsibility on him, they obligated him to something. Therefore he began to select what thoughts were too bold to be spoken out to the Father. For instance, sometimes he still had a desire to have a little bit of strong drinks or beer together with his friends. And he did not want to give up this form of association with them. And alcohol was also providing him relaxation. Therefore, in his conversations with the Father and with me he avoided giving any pledges and even petitions to the effect that he might be given a chance to associate with his friends without alcohol. He would explain to himself that any thought he expressed to the Father or to me had its meaning provided that it was rendered sincerely and at the same time if he was undertaking his own responsibility so that once this thought would reach the point of its expression in his life, whether or not he would accept this expression. Therefore for a long time he did not dare to include into his monologue this sort of ending – “Father, not mine but your will be done.” He would end these monologues without this final thought. Once he tried to include this winding up thought but right away took his words back by clarifying to himself:, “No, I cannot say this yet. And what if I do not like the Father’s will. And I shall have to do it all the same since I shall have told Him this myself. Maybe some time later. But today I still want to leave greater freedom to myself and that it would not be limited by the will of the Father since I do not know what His will is. You never know what He might entrust me to do. It is better not to pledge that which subsequently I would be unable to carry out.”