6. The Concept Of God To Me As A Child Who Was Searching For Answers Within Himself

When I was in your very lowest material form, in the human flesh, and when my human consciousness was also on the very lowest mortal level, I was also unable to perceive who was Jahowe-Jahve as the Jews were calling the God of Israel, the Father of Israel. I, even as a child, could not understand why there was some higher Power that was called the Father of Israel, and who had to be feared because he would punish one if he was not obeyed.

How could a loving Father punish His children, while even a human loving father would try to find a way to reach the mind of his child so that the child would understand his teaching and explanation, and he would not resort to punishing the child right away if the child did not understand and did something not the way the earthly father was asking him to do?

It was beyond my understanding that such a Supreme Power could behave worse than an earthly father, and an unwise father at that, to demand a sacrifice of live lambs or other animals and birds so that man would receive a reward from it.

All this seemed to my mind that this Supreme Power, that was even called the Father of Israel, had less wisdom than earthly parents had, for they did not demand that their children kill any animals to make their parents love them.

And when such thoughts were permanently arising in my mind, I had nobody at hand whom I could ask. Why was God so relentless? Why was He so revengeful? Why had He to be feared and obeyed all the time? Why could not I commune with Him directly but rather through rabbis?

My mind could not find convincing answers so the arguments remained solid. And there remained nothing else to my mind but to talk with itself. And that type of directing my view to my own inner self would bring me ever growing satisfaction because, surprisingly to myself, I felt that I began to find some answers. And those answers were so convincing to me that I started to ever more relish this conversation with my own self.

And why should not my mind follow those responses that it was receiving, even though being unable to understand how those answers were generated in it? However, I began to trust ever more those responses that God did not really punish anyone and did not make anyone suffer, He loved and shone light, and it was the people, due to the fears passed over to them by their ancestors, that were afraid of that light, for they did not know that the questions I was posing to myself they could also pose to themselves. And they might also receive those responses that would soothe them and explain to them in what way they could cease being afraid of God that He would punish them each time. Even though being unable to know the source of those thoughts of mine that were piercing my mind deeper and stronger to dominate it, I started trusting them ever more. However, I could not talk frankly about it with anyone else, for nobody wanted either to understand it or at least to talk about my mere hints that God loved no less than an earthly father did and that He did not punish anyone more than an earthly father would.

Thus I had to address these same questions to myself and discuss them with myself further on; and from my very early age. But as my own thoughts were becoming more different from the ones dominant in my environment, people would get irritated very easily if I told them something contrary to what they had been taught by the so-called Scriptures of their parents, grandparents, and all the other ancestor generations. Due to this fact my environment by no means could render me any assistance in finding answers to new questions ever coming to my mind.